Are y’all ready for some honesty? The truth is that I’m usually a pretty upbeat, happy person. But lately, I’m just struggling to get through each day. I spent so long in shock over my brother’s death and none of it seemed real. I was still waiting for him to come knocking on my door. But that didn’t happen. And I was so busy with life issues, that I didn’t take the time to grieve for my brother. Apparently, that wasn’t a good idea. I pushed my hurt to the side for so long that the hurt finally pushed it’s way to the front. Now that’s about all I can feel.
I have my moments where I’m pretty much okay. I use those moments to wash a load of laundry or whatever. But for the most part, I’m struggling just to stay focused on anything. I’d like to say that I’m all better now, but the truth is that some days are much worse than others.
I have finally stopped expecting Neil to show up at my house. I guess that’s a step forward. But the hurt is so big now that it’s a physical pain in my chest. I honestly don’t think the hurt will ever go away. The crying may stop and the physical pain may go away, but I think my heart will always ache for Neil. I think that it is something that I’m going to have to learn to live with. Mourning and grieving. Are they the same thing? I don’t know. But I’m hoping to move out of this pain eventually.
I made a page about missing Neil and I’d like to share it with you here. This was the most difficult scrapbook page I’ve ever made. But I’m glad I made it. It expresses just one of the aspects of my heart right now. If you’d like to see full credits on the page, just click on the thumbnail image in the right side toolbar.
Okay this time, for real, I really will be back with a happy announcement tomorrow. I know, I know…I promised that last time and it never happened. I’m sorry about that. But this time I really will post something happy tomorrow. Thank you for letting me share my heart with you…even when it’s broken. Stay tuned for a smile tomorrow. :)
